Caring Continues With the Benefit of Memories

Oh my goodness, yet another four days shared with Mom and William. Each time I get to help creates more memories together for the three of us. At times I even get to be a telephone operator during my stay which affords talks with beloved uncles, cousins and the best of our friends.

 Meal times also create memories since much of my cooking plus recipes were learned from mom, her sister (Aunt Dude) and her mother (Grandma Buck). Even cleaning up the kitchen is tied to my mother.  She said that you cannot be considered a good cook unless you clean up the kitchen after each meal.  Thankfully we have dishwashers to shorten that task.  OF NOTE: When we were younger and someone asked mom if she had a dishwasher she said “Yes, I have three and there are portable (with a slight pause here). Their names are Linda, Rebecca and Julia.”  We talked about that too and we had a good laugh (one of many this weekend).

I really love being able to share these moments publicly. It serves as a reminder of the good times that are still possible to share with my mother until the dementia steals more and more of her away from me.  

The Joy of Caring for a One so Dear

What a wonderful four days and three nights I was able to share recently with my mom and dad.  It was a time of peace, calmness, laughter and a time of sharing plus reflection.  I was able to cook for them (no surprise there) and we had daily Bible study time together as well. What a joy these days have been to me which serves as a reminder of the mothers who gave us life and the relationship that each of us has built with her over time.

 We shared so many vacations together over the years which included the wonderful man that is now her husband (my dad) and his youngest son who is now my youngest brother.  When they married I gained another sister and two brothers so we are now a family of seven siblings.  I count each of them as blessings to my life and “our family” has grown with their respective spouses, children, grandchildren and some great-grandchildren along the way for our parents. 

 My sisters Rebecca, Laura and I willingly alternate the day and night care of mom and assist William however needed being sensitive to the time and scheduled commitments each of us may have, some of which cannot be changed on a moment’s notice but given a day or twos notice can be accomplished.   Plans are subject to change and can be worked out calmly, with personalities and jealousies set aside.

 What will not be broken or manipulated is the bond shared with our mother and William.  Every minute and moment shared with my mother and William this week is committed to my memory and the maneuvering of others cannot take that away. 

I look forward to any hours, days or nights that will be shared in their home or elsewhere.  Home health care and physical therapy is in the works which is great and my mother is looking forward to walking again and a more independent lifestyle.  Until then her independent spirit lives on in each of the siblings and we will each continue with whatever care is needed for both our mom and our dad, William.

"Gone Girl" by Gillian Flynn

This thriller might parallel the writing popularity for both Stephen King and James Patterson. If you even remotely enjoy thrillers, this book should be at the top of your list for this year. The two primary characters are the married couple: Nick and Amy.

 The husband:

Nick is the type who carries the weight of his upbringing into his marriage which triggers other behaviors in the marriage.  His father was real piece of work who appeared to revile women to a certain degree which of course included his wife (Nick’s mother). However, this does not warrant or justify behavior in the mind of another. (Yes, yes, I know that we can be a product of our upbringing but behavior is a choice, I don’t care who you are.)  I liked him at first but then a motive began to surface tied to the ringing phone that he would not answer and lied about the source of the call and the many lies that he admitted making to the police. From there the plot thickened against him and rightfully so.

 The wife:

Amy seems like a perfect girlfriend then wife. In fact, she was referred to as the “Amazing Amy” and her parents made a fortune using her life and life situations as a young girl in a series of books. Was she loved more than the dollar signs she represented and how did this impact Amy, or did it?  You can decide for yourself. 

Amy says that she does not want, need, desire, or respect a “dancing monkey” which is a term that I learned in this book. You could have fooled me as the story develops.  For some reason, I was not a fan of her from the beginning but the real person behind the persona came as quite a shock to me as the story developed. She does have a brilliant calculating mind which looking back seemed always lurking under the surface. The groundwork she lays out, years in the making will blow you away.

 It was almost too late when thankfully the lights went off for certain law enforcement personnel that all things may not be as air-tight as originally thought.  With a guaranteed conviction looming, it was time to do some calculating of their own.  The attorney brought something to the story as well but alas, I cannot even recall his name to mention here. 

 For me the end was as much a surprise as the story.  My feelings of right and wrong with justice rightly served really came into question here. However, the real “survivor” in this story must do what is right for another and sacrifice the right to a new life.  The legal justice system was not served well but I can certainly understand and appreciate protecting an innocent at the expense of the truth and the sacrifice to one’s own personal freedom. .

Life is about choices and some will follow us forever and we must choose what is right for us tied to the ultimate consequences which might be mandated on another.

 Personally, I will not be attending the movie which is scheduled for release this year. The book was satisfying yet exhausting enough without feeling like the air had left the room during many parts which will play out over the course of the film. 

Paper or Plastic? I will take both, please.

It is the New Year and many, many of you may have received books, an eReader (Nook, Kindle) or gift cards to Barnes & Noble or Amazon during the recent Christmas, Hanukah, etc. holiday.  Here are some tips for both paper and electronic options.

Swap books

There are several book swapping groups that I have read about over the last several months.  Each allows you to exchange books with other readers for the cost of postage alone.  I have not checked it out but here are three of the names that have been referenced in a magazine and newspaper article received at my home.

PaperBack Swap

Book-Mooch

TitleTrader   

For eReaders, there are several options for FREE or deeply discounted books. I have signed up to receive the daily email notices as well as LIKED them on Facebook.

www.bookbub.com

www.pixelofink.com

www.ereadernewstoday.com

http://ereadernewstoday.com/category/freekindlebooks/

www.pennymatrix.com

www.overdrive.com

FREE community library for your street or neighborhood

For the industrious and community library minded individuals, one can build a little “library box” of sorts that can be kept in your neighborhood.  You start by providing some books and then let others know that they can pick up of a book and bring a book to share as well.  The size of the box can vary and seems to primarily up to the individual.  I have actually asked my husband to modify one of his larger birdhouse designs to accommodate my desire to start one in the front of my house near our driveway entrance even though I feel sure that I will need approval of some sort from our homeowners association.  Check it out for yourself and also stay tuned for the results of my efforts.

http://littlefreelibrary.org

Isn’t it wonderful to have so many choices?   For the record, the answer is YES.

Janet Dailey 1944 to 2013 and some personal thoughts reading her books brought to mind

Readers lost another memorable author this year: Janet Dailey.  She was a romance novelist that I favored some time ago when I devoured similar books in the 70s and early 80s.  I cannot say that I outgrew her books  but my current interests  lean toward historical novels,  biographies, autobiographies, mystery, crime or police dramas, etc.  This is not diminish Dailey’s talent but just shows how ones interest may expand over time to include other writers and writing styles.

 Like many people, she overcame scandal but had many faithful readers and followers during that difficult time.  With the thousands and thousands of writers who may be veracious  readers as well, it must be difficult to keep ones writing style “pure” and at the same time consistent without the flavor of another writer blending in by accident or by design.  Personally, I did not keep up with whatever the facts might have been at the time but I do appreciate the fact that she survived to write another day.  This speaks “volumes” about her personally as well.  What I choose to remember is that she admitted to the “infractions”, lost a publisher, but kept on writing.  I am a fan of the other author too but this is not about her but the life of an author worthy of recall. 

 The writings of Janet Daily are and were great for those who relish in the escape to romantic novels BUT who in real life might not tolerate the actions of the men in these novels.  Just like boys will be boys, some men are men: good, bad or indifferent. However some are worth the time and trouble it takes to find the love that for some can only be or best found in books.   Just saying….

 While sharing my personal thoughts about Janet Daily, it brought other fond memories to mind when things were quite different for me. My next door neighbor and I probably read everything offered by this author as well as those by Barbara Cartland, who passed away back in 2000.  We swapped books with each other to save money and to avoid interruptions in our reading pleasures, our favorite pastime.  We were both young mothers and any spare time (which was truly minimal) was spent reading and sharing these “loving” stories with each other.  While at the time, life seemed so complicated with the money never quite stretched far enough, our home was literally failing down around us, our choices in clothing were from second hand stores (there were no Wal-Mart or Target stores back then), Christmas shopping was by necessity on layaway plans with one or two gifts at best, what I remember best was the fellowship shared with another woman and that I still had my reading pleasure to escape from the realities of ever day living. 

 Books with their plots, characters (real or imagined) are one of the many blessings that life has offered me and millions of others just like me.  My situation may be much changed but some things thankfully have not changed, that being my appreciation and love for printed words.

Life is full of facts and fiction so why not enjoy some reading to complement our life, expand our knowledge, increase our awareness or provide the distractions that are so needed in our task of living, not just existing.  No, I do not believe in the happily ever after in fairy tales but I do believe in possibilities that reading creates in our mind that feeds a goal that produces a plan to develop the life we want for our self or more importantly for others. 

Reading, it’s what’s for ….. (Now you fill in the blanks)

Note to self about 2013 family Chirstmas dinner

I write letters to myself when I am sad, disappointed or dealing with an upset.  So here goes….

Our family dinner was today and all went okay.  My son is the only one who lives away and could not be there to share in the family time on the date that was decided for this year.  He has one day off a week and his Christmas work holiday is Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

Perhaps some of them will drop by our home on Christmas Eve next week while he is here.  This is the first time in about 20 years that we have not celebrated as a family on Christmas Eve, hence my personal disappointment.

The “hostess” has both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day at her house.  I have New Year’s Day at my home. My oldest nephew (son of the hostess) has Thanksgiving dinner on the Saturday before Thanksgiving at his home. With these days in mind, I suggested that we alternate the location using my home every other year and that suggestion did not go well AT ALL.  I suggested that Christmas Eve be considered for next year so that Jason could at least attend every other year.  That suggestion was equally and firmly rejected.  She said “No, I want to have it at my house.”   Talk about “not playing well with others”.  Her reaction should not have been a real surprise but I at least thought that she would consider one or both of my offers.  Our mother and other sister wanted to alternate homes as well. We will just need to stay tuned for further (future) developments along these lines.  She must think that Christmas time is like Burger King, “she can have it her way”.

Oh well, my son said that as long as he gets to have time with me (his mother) and visit his grandma (my mother), that is the main thing that matters to him. What a perfect response.  I guess he understands our family dynamics better than me and has learned to adjust accordingly. It seems that the table has turned and I will now learn from him. Not a bad option.

Imagine that. I have been concerned about his not being able to spend time with the whole family and his primary concerns are his mother (ME) and visiting his grandmother.  I can totally live with that. 

Christmas thoughts and the importance of family for 2013

As always this Christmas season my focus will be on special family time with my mother this season, taking lots of family photos and making family friendly memories to recall special times with our mom tomorrow at the family Christmas lunch.   Life is short enough without discounting the importance of being together as a family with the mother who readily loves us, forgives the faults and cherishes the moments of having all of her children together.

Fresh on my mind is that her memory will continue to fade so each moment is a treasure and the group family photos with her will recall the family times that she has always valued so much. My cousins would do anything to have one more minute with their mother, my precious Aunt Dude on the Buck side of my family plus Aunt Esther and Aunt Thelma on the VanMeter side.  Yes, we were all taught to appreciate the importance of family from our youth with our aunts being a second “Mom” and our cousins being more like siblings from another mother.

The definition of family and the significance for some may change over time as a matter of convenience, familial bias or trivial “eruptions” that are blown out of proportion or imagined  which hold little or no value to what is truly important in life: God’s love and the importance and significance He places on family.  

There will always be disruptions but there will not always be times to share with one’s mother so get out of your own mind and make it happen.  Please put aside what maybe foremost in your mind tied to your interpretation of the actions of others that mushrooms into such anger in your heart and feeds confusion in your mind.  This is a season of love and possibilities if only you will open your heart, eyes and ears to what is right in front of you and accept the fellowship extended by others.

Love and forgiveness have no limits and is expounded in the Bible numerous times as well as other secular media options which are inferior in nature but will hold some truths none the less.

Unforgotten Angels memorial 2013 December 9th and “ME”

I was invited to share my thoughts as a speaker (of sorts) to talk about my nephew and my son who left this world way too young, 20 and 27 years old respectively. This event is held annually on the second Sunday of December and is set aside to remember those we have lost to this world: our children, grandchildren, sibling, etc. 

While it was somewhat solemn and directly linked to the emotional hole in one’s heart that cannot be filled with anything or anyone else, each of us deals with that void differently, if at all. Personally, I was accustomed to hearing from my son on a regular basis and afterwards visited the gravesite regularly, sometimes daily. My visits are referred to as going to see him, not saying the word grave or cemetery.  

 This went on for many, many months until reading a book that was highly recommended and loaned to me be a much loved, respected, Godly man… my uncle.  The book is “A Grief Observed” by C. S. Lewis.  At the bottom of one page I read something that hit me hard and really did feel punched in the chest.  I will paraphrase here “visits to the grave keep them dead”.  I read it three or four times before the truth behind the words sunk into my head but more importantly my heart.  I knew then that my borderline obsessive visits to the “site” were robbing me of my joy in the life that he had shared with so many.

 Considering I was told that having children would bypass me, I had two sons born four years apart and for the youngest son, his extremely active life was shared with me for 27 years and five days.  My middle sister had difficulty in conceiving her first born son who was born in 1975 and was lost to us in 1994.

So after reading the book I chose “joy” to recall what was learned from them during the shortened life we had with them.  

 From my nephew Donnie and son Eric, I learned about:

·         Laughter - They did it easily, often and invited everyone around into their world immediately. Their teasing was playful, never harmful. 

·         Hugs - The hugs were huge with arms reaching all around you which made me feel so special and loved. Sometimes they would lift you from the ground, spin you around and park you somewhere else in the room and laughing the whole time.

·         Appreciation for Life – They took nothing for granted and wanted to experience all that God had made for their enjoyment.  They loved the outdoors and never saw a skyline that they did not enjoy.  Eric and I would send pictures from our cell phones of those that we may particularly enjoy.  My other son and I have the same practice.

·         Relationships – They each managed their relationships well, whether family or friends.  They also honored their commitments, however difficult.  They took responsibility for their actions.

From my Eric, I learned other things as well and do apply these “lessons” in my life at every occasion.

·         You can complement someone without lying to them.  I am reminded of the time that someone made an unkind remark about a young girl.  He said that every girl has something beautiful about them and one should tell them but don’t exaggerate it to the point that it becomes a lie, which is equally hurtful.

·         Every person has something good about them, focus on that and it actually makes it easier when you are hurt by that person who might have made it a practice to be ugly to just about everyone.

• There are those who constantly live in a house of drama but don't be part of someone else's drama.

·         Lies kill people. It’s like a cancer that eats you up from the inside.

·         When I am gone, it just means that I will see you later.  This statement came about when we were talking about the time when he father died and he looked at me and said that if he died before me that we would certainly see each other again in heaven.

There is a poem that I read recently that is especially fitting for this day.  This is the last paragraph from “In a Hundred Years’ Time” by Suzanne and Louise Kelman:

Live today and enjoy it.

Grasp every moment you can.

For Life is the eternal race-

No winners, it’s just that you ran.

 

They each ran their race and it was a good and memorable one.  At times at a sprint and sometimes at full speed but with a goal in mind to not just "do" their best but to "be" their best.

To be clear, I am not fooling myself about his faults.  He was no angel and by the time he got things right, he was taken from me. Some mistakes were repeated and one in particular may have contributed to his being no longer here.  

Was he perfect? No.

Was he forgiven? Yes and in Christ I know that I will see him when it is my turn to check out of here. 

For me as we shared our remembrances and hung our butterfly ornaments on the Christmas tree last night, it meant that I would say and did say “SEE YOU LATER ERIC”.

Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy

Good read and one of her best works, in my opinion. There are four main characters bringing with them their respective history of parental love, neglect, abandonment, self-importance, protective/sheltered life, alcoholic fathers, driven agendas, and variances in-between.  It clearly reminded me of what it’s like to be a teenager, warts and all.  There is more than story going on and each adds value to their respective friendships: before, during and after.

"Benny" is the only child of what some would call doting parents.  She is the kind of friend that one would want to have, is loyal and forgiving. She is betrayed by those she respects, loves, and those from whom she has learned so much about how to dress, talk and act in situations.

"Eve Malone" was orphaned and raised by nuns.  Her wealthy mother married beneath her station in life according to her parents and dies shortly after giving birth.  The distraught father becomes depressed/enraged with the family of his wife, speaks a curse (of sorts) on her family, then he dies as well.  Eve is forsaken and given to the nuns to be raised.  Her biological family has one redeeming member, in my opinion, with which the adult Eve develops a friendship. After meeting some of her family members, I personally believe that Eve proved to be better off without them and as a result she developed strength of will and a backbone that served her well.  She and Benny were the best friends from the age of ten and truly inseparable until their college days where the story a turn (or twist).

 "Nan" is beautiful and continues to hide her poor background and drunken father.  She knows what to say, when to say it, how to dress and act to achieve her driven agenda.  She doesn’t allow anyone to stand in her way and when she is ditched by the target of her agenda, creates a divisive backup plan with some devastating results.  However, it created what I see as a great ending to the book for each character.

 "Jack" is a doctor's son who has difficulty making up his mind (at times) whose definition of commitment must also be a matter of convenience.  He expects to be forgiven of anything and everything and to be accepted as the life of the party even when not truly welcome.  I initially liked him but my opinion of him did change even though he did agree to do what’s “right” by the “wrong (not wronged)” person.

 This is the fourth book that I have read by this author, who does not disappoint her many, many fans, including yours truly.  There is a film version of the book which I have not seen.  With the history of films destroying the integrity of most books, I will pass on seeing the film version.  However, I am willing to reconsider after hearing from those who have experienced both the book and the film. 

 Final comment and fortunately for me, I pre-ordered her book “A Week in Winter” that was completed just days before her death last year with reader ready for eReaders February 2013 and paperback in 2014. 

"Winter in Full Bloom" by Anita Higman

This is one of the few times where I really did not have a favorite character. I enjoyed each one and for different reasons.  Lily is the main character here and experiences some much needed personal stamina and growth who has always felt somewhat defeated in life from having a cold and indifferent mother for as long as she can remember.  Even her father seems to have barely existed.  

Each character had their own story, just like each of our own friends and friends we have yet to meet. The mother was not generally approachable and had actually “paid” someone to be her friend in her own home. As is my nature, I did wonder what caused her to distance herself from her daughter(s). I knew that I would eventually learn the truth about Lily and Camille's mother and the "real" story about the separation of the twins (Lily and Camille) and it was written in such a way to hold my interest vs. flipping to the back of the book for an instant answer. The twins were separated shortly after birth but Lily was not aware she even had a twin until it was mentioned by her mother during a meeting that was ten years in the making.  Yes, Lily had not spoken to her mother for ten years, not even when Lily’s husband had died the previous year. It seems that Camille was living in Australia, had recently sent a letter to her biological mother and had always known about Lily’s existence.  Lily decides to make a trek to Australia to find this long lost sister and hopefully get some answers since the mother was certainly not forthcoming.

 Lily meets and makes a friend shortly after arriving to Australia with someone else who seems to have come to another country to get some answers.  His name is Marcus, is somewhat unkempt, personable, appears to have a free spirit but insists he is living off the trust fund that he created.  His story includes a deliberate lack of communication with his parents and also a pleasant surprise for Lily. No I am not talking about their predictable romance. Without giving away too many details, I must admit to certainly understand where the story ends without including an ending for his parent’s story. Losing a child, whatever the circumstances, can create a void and serious disconnect with family and friends.  In time one may/can learn to endure the pain of loss but only through open communication, lots of love and prayer, without a blame game or physical separation from those that need to be near you, even when you do not see/understand/recognize that need. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience.

 I really, really liked Camille and her story builds over the course of the book starting in Australia and her new beginning (sort of) back in the USA. She experiences more than one tragedy, one of which breaks open the hard-hearted birth mother, and made me cry.  It is from this accident that we learn the mothers’ story and it is quite a story in itself. 

 With the mother coming into my review now, I also must add that part of me really wanted an expanded storyline about the mother at that point in the book, not that there was anything missing or additional information needed.  The section was complete but to know what she experienced left me wanting more. It was a pivotal point for me and I immediately liked her plus understood her self-protection mode for withdrawal from her children and from affection in general. It was like a dam had burst inside this woman and her desire for a relationship with her daughters, while not spontaneous, did start growing from that point and continued throughout the remainder of the story.  The things that we as women do to ourselves when we are so devastatingly hurt by situations we thought that we could control or people we want to save but cannot, even with the best of plans.

 Hopefully, we will see another book which will follow the life of the sister who Lily’s daughter affectionately calls Aunt Cam. Stories about twins can be especially entertaining (to me) and not in ways in which most of us can relate. In this book, life's lessons for them were different yet the same.

I have read many of her book and we met as members of the Women's Business Forum. She is a delight on many levels and always the lady. As much as I have enjoyed her early writings, this one shows sign of growth and development as a writer. Her characters are better developed and the story lines have greater depth. Of note, I have pre-ordered her next two books which will be released in November and December, respectively.

 I highly recommend her as an author. Her genre is Contemporary, Christian, romance and mystery.