My Mother My Friend and My Memories

We were fortunate and blessed to have the Mother that God selected for us. I know that I will see her later and please allow me to share my thoughts.  First and foremost, the things shared below were applied to both my personal and professional life.  Any and all success I achieved was and is directly related to what I learned from my much beloved mother.  In fact a much appreciated award received so many years ago, I gave to her and it stands in a case in her home now. 

We were travel companions for about 30 years, as a single parent and then as married couples. She was my mentor, confidant, taught by example and not by words alone, the subject of some of my best memories with my sons, guided me and encouraged me to love again which is how I built up the courage to agree to date a wonderful man who  is now my husband Weldon McAdams, she taught me how to forgive whatever the wrong, she taught me independence, how to stretch a dollar but most of all she taught me to love others and find answers to any question in God's ultimate book of instructions and most holy word, The Bible.

While my mother was my best friend, her role as my mother was always the priority one chosen when a line might appeared blurred.  There is absolutely no subject that I didn’t feel could be had with her.   When something came up that needed to be discussed, I can assure you that it was my mother’s words that flowed from her lips: direct, clear and always with my best interest at heart.  Similar to what a friend would do but it really was quite different.  If you had or have such a mom you clearly understand what I am saying. 

My mother’s life and laughter were a gift that she shared with everyone and often. She told me that there is a time for talking and also a time for listening. She said that while one is talking they miss what is being said or shared by someone else who may really that particular time with you. Mom said to be available to help when needed, don’t wait to be asked but to volunteer and then do it, but be careful that you don’t become their crutch. My mother also said that some don't know when it's time to just shut up. Hence I have shared my heart for now in words and will be quiet with my cherished memories that will keep me warm for my lifetime.

 Make each moment count and don’t waste time. Make memories since at some point that may be all you have left. Make a difference in the life of others. Live your life and don’t just exist. 

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

It is a story about a young girl who is taken in by a foster family.  It takes place in Germany during the Nazi occupation and “Heil Hitler”.   Liesel, the main character, earns this nickname” The Book Thief” clearly from her heartfelt and sometimes desperate need to steal books for various reasons you discover throughout this incredible and memory making book.  It clearly shows what it may have been like to be a child or a German citizen, particularly when you choose not to become a member of the Nazi party by choice or chance.  Family members make their choices but the whole family suffers the consequences of any one choice. 

The first book stolen is at the gravesite of her younger brother which is shortly before she sees her mother for the last time.  She doesn’t even know how to read or what the book is about, just that she had to have it.  It turns out to be a book about how to dig a proper grave and is ultimately used as a tool by her foster-father to teach her to read.  Each book stolen is tied to a specific period of time in her life such as stealing from the library of the mayor’s wife for firing her foster- mother or just for when she and her best friend Rudy just needed to win at something since life was more than difficult with food shortages, little work, living in the poorest city on one of the poorest streets in their town.  She is a thief but an extremely particular book thief when making a selection of the perfect read at any point in time. 

Her love of words and reading also brought comfort to others like during an air raid in a bomb shelter where she started reading aloud from one of her beloved books.  She reads to the Jewish man hidden in the basement of the home where she is staying while he is extremely ill.  His name is Max and is the son of the man who saved her foster-fathers life in a previous war time situation. 

She experienced great hardship as a young girl in Germany and physical pain as well when she was beaten by a soldier using a whip for her talking to a young Jewish man among the hundreds being paraded through town on the way to Dachau.  The young man was Max, the one that lived in their basement for over two years who became a dear friend.  They shared books and he wrote one for her birthday called “The Standover Man”. 

At a particular point in time, she realizes the power in words and of words and decides that she hates words.  But a “word shaker” cannot escape them for long.  It is suggested that she stop reading and start writing.  She does. 

She loses everyone she loves and who loves her, except for one that I will not name here, in one night while she alone was spared.  How was she spared? She was writing a book of her own in the basement that was supposedly not secure enough to be a bomb shelter and was pulled from the rubble.  Her story does not end here even though the book that she wrote which chronicles her life through the various books that she owns is lost to her forever until returned to her in her old age by the narrator of this book who is “haunted by humans”.

Of note

It took me awhile to figure out who the narrator actually was which proves to really be the perfect “source” of the information imparted as needed.  I have such affection for certain characters on Himmel Street plus one other, all of whom may have loved Liesel even more than me:

·         Lemon haired Rudy whose athletic abilities won him three medals and the unwanted attention of those building a super race of “his kind”, whose idol was the Olympian Jesse Owens, and the one thing he wanted most was a kiss from Liesel but when he finally received it he was not aware,

·         Hans, the silver eyed,  caring, protective, anti-Nazi, accordion playing papa,

·         Rosa, the outwardly stern,  name calling, terrible cooking mama who really did have a well disguised caring heart for people,

·         Max, the Jewish fist fighter with hair like feathers  who had a dream of boxing Hitler but that dream also included the war of words from Hitler that invited those not in the ring to join him in the destruction of all Jews beginning with this one, a survivor thanks in part to Liesel along with her foster parents, and

·         Ilsa, the mayor’s wife who had a personal library of perhaps a thousand books,  who had lost her only child, who received a verbal bashing and  “the”  letter from her book thief Liesel which fueled the spark that brought her back to the living.

Please read this endearing book that is being made into a movie for all the right reasons.

 My favorite passages include but are in no way limited to the following: 

·         …the words were on their way, and when they arrived, Liesel would hold them in her hands like the clouds, and she would wring them out like the rain.

·         Three languages interwove. The Russians, the bullets and the Germans.

·         The words.  Why did they have to exist? …Without the words, the  Fuhrer was nothing.

·         I was so angry and afraid and I wanted to kill the words. …I love this place and hate it, because it is full of words.

·         The accordion breathes. There are lines on his cheeks….I just like the way they move and change. Sometimes I think my papa is an accordion. When he looks at me and smiles and breathes, I hear the notes.

·         I have hated the words and I have loved them and I hope I have made them right.

·         For some reason, dying men always ask questions they know the answer to.  Perhaps it’s so they can die being right. 

The Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline

The story is a true to life chronicle reflecting the saga of hundreds of thousands of homeless or neglected children who were placed on orphan trains from 1854 to 1929. The orphan train movement led to numerous reforms having to do with welfare and child labor laws. Many people believe it is the origin of modern foster care.

What a time to exist for these two women who could not be more different, or are they?

Vivian is a 90 year who came here as an Irish immigrant, whose parents and siblings were lost to her in a fire where they lived in New York City and became twice widowed.  With one exception the foster home placements including nothing more than child labor, taking care of children younger than your ten years in a filthy, inhumane environment and a sexual experience forced on her then thrown out in the winter snow with just the clothes on your back after furious accusations of being the guilty party rather than the victim that she was.   Imagine the social worker taking the side of the parents without question.

Now comes Molly, a Penobscot Indian, who is also in foster care with the most recent family including a “mom” who berates her at every turn but sure likes the monthly foster care system check and the “father” who seems to care about her but who will not stand up to his wife to defend her.  Molly is about to “age out” of the foster care system but gets into trouble with her probation having a provision requiring community service.  She seems to have only real friend, that being her “boyfriend” who seems to be a similar society “misfit”.  There are kindred spirits so to speak.  Molly is also thrown out of the house.  By the way, her crime was stealing a torn, tattered book from the school library.

The community service project is helping an elderly woman clean out her attic, hence their meeting.  Over time they become friends, each recognizing something in the other that satisfies and provides a long lost comfort in the form of friendship and even trust.  Vivian is reliving and sharing her life with Molly. Molly is gathering information to write an article for the school but learns so much more in this process.  Nothing much gets discarded but does get organized and gaps in each of their respective lives gets filled. 

With Molly’s help, Vivian moves into the 21^st century with technology and a new world of information is found at her fingertips.  Vivian’s heart begins to heal with her discoveries and new hope arises when she finds someone who she thought was lost to her forever.

Each of these characters found delight and comfort in books. Each had a teacher who saw something in them and nurtured their development.  Vivian’s teacher was instrumental in saving her life and her landlord came to love her as well resulting in finding loving couple to adopt her. The light went on the eyes of a teacher as Molly finally asserted herself in the classroom clearly claiming her Indian heritage and namesake. 

I have always acknowledged the role a teacher played in my life and for two teachers in this book care and protection was conveyed to a child so lost in the world.  It is also interesting to me that the same book was shared twice.  No, I am not telling you the name of that book. 

The ending was as it should be even though I wanted more. Here is my final thought about the ending. There was love and forgiveness in the eyes that clearly conveyed that all was right in “their” world of new beginnings. 

One Word Makes a Difference

One word can make a difference whether spoken or in the written form.  A prime example (for me) is tied to yesterday’s milestone event in the history of our good old USA, that being the first “physical” step on the moon in 1969.

A momentous date by far and how one word “can” change the interpretation of the thought conveyed verbally by astronaut Neil Armstrong spurred a “controversy” about what may have been heard:  

“that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” or “that’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Read it again carefully to discover how the word “a” changes the interpretation and truly expands the meaning. 

Words are valuable tools to choose carefully and wisely.  It truly reminds me of advice for any carpenter: measure twice and cut once.  Words spoken or written, one cannot take them back or alter events that may result.  

Of note: If one does not know the meaning (definition) of a word, one does not own it for use.  

Books can change a life

These thoughts are tied to an article in the June/July 2014 AARP magazine featuring a much published author Joyce Carol Oates.  It seems that she has a favorite book that has inspired her writing career and changed her life: Lewis Carroll's "Alice in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking Glass".  These two classics published in one volume were received on her 9th birthday from her grandmother. She still has it and it is just as treasured.  I am paraphrasing below what she says that she learned from "Alice”:

·         Be bold.

·         It is okay to question authority.

·         Look upon life as a possibility for adventures.

·         Be prepared to recognize fear, even terror, without succumbing to it.

·         Don't panic or lose your common sense or dignity.

Fairly profound thoughts from what has been accepted as a children’s book.  Yes, I do plan to read both of these again with fresh eyes and perspective.

As a young girl she even began drawing stories using cats and chickens as her characters vs adults using a lined tablet which kept her captivated as a child for many hours.  Children today should also be fed a diet of books from an early age.  Who can tell how their future can be shaped as a result. Keep in mind that they will be making the decisions for us as we age (directly or indirectly) and their career, politics, personal and professional activities, friends, etc.  will come into play through what they learn in their choice of reading which will either compliment or complicate their life plus yours and mine.

Just think. Her career was created/inspired/fed through reading as a child thanks to her grandmother's thoughtful gift AND the works of the gifted writer Lewis Carroll. That gift allowed her to become a gift to many readers, myself included.

Dreams of Joy by Lisa See

On impulse, a young woman (Joy) runs away to the “home” country of her parents which happens to be China in the 50s because of a secret about her birth that she learns after her father’s suicide. The secret: Her mother(May) is her aunt, her aunt (Pearl) is the mother that she has known and loved as such, your birth father is an artist and revolutionary for the current China, and both women seemed to have loved him.  She feels betrayal and at the same time unwanted. Her “Tiger” nature takes over and she chooses to run away from what she knows in search of her birth father and what she may contribute in her support of the China that she thinks that she knows.  

Please allow an aside here. As in real life, it is not the genes that always make a mother and you can have multiple women who mother you in different ways throughout your life. If you have seen the movie or read the book “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd, you may be able to relate to my opinion.

The draw for me in this book is of course, the historical significance of what was termed as the “new” China in the 1950s with their control of communication, restricted mobility, and the censor of information, all woven into this novel.  Segments of citizens became part of communal living which is has purposes of propaganda and what was considered by the initial inhabitants as a freedom lifestyle. The inhabitants work from can-to-can’t (way past can’t) even during the famine because they are told too, and without revolt.  Some of the ill family members are buried alive to save on food rations since they can no longer contribute to China, there is even “swap food” which is a baby swap so that surviving family members do not cannibalize their own child.  They believe the lies about what is happening outside the commune. Starvation does make one compliant.

The characters are both forgettable and unforgettable. The ending which includes the escape plot along with the unexpected last minute drama is well written and the story ends as it should.  Bottom line, the characters are well developed and yes, the characters “find themselves” and Pearl discovers that her true country is the USA and that it is her choice to make after all.

This book follows the story that began in the book “Shanghai Girls”, also by Lisa See, which I would also recommend.  In this story continued from above:

The mother (Pearl) forges to China and has no intention of returning without her daughter.  For the mother, it is not the China from which she escaped and in every regard, is worse.  Even though China born, she immigrated to the US and therefore is always under suspicion and will struggle like her daughter.  She has her own identity crisis with which to deal.

Commune living for Joy was voluntary, includes famine, a “red” husband who treats her poorly which includes infidelity,  and yet she is considered totally at fault by your adopted country, the in-laws, and fellow peasants, even those who have befriended you.  They really have no choice but to victimize you or they will be subject to the same. What you thought you knew is so wrong and on every level.  How will you escape, can you leave before your baby daughter becomes “swap food”,  can your mother and aunt find you in time or will you starve to death in the commune, in a country that you decide is not yours after all?

The mother and father orchestrate an escape using his notoriety as an artist and it his art that is almost their undoing. The aunt works on the ploy to get them to Hong Kong which allows for the ultimate escape. 

Having read both “Shanghai Girls”, “Dreams of Joy” and “On Gold Mountain”, it put life into what it was like in China and the how/why/whatit takes to get and choose to stay in this country.  The choice comes at great cost and I am not just talking about money.  The sacrifice made cannot be ignored or measured. 

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

Imagine being four years old with no memory of who you are and are left standing alone on the dock where you have exited the ship that brought you to Australia from England.  You are discovered by the dock foreman and are taken in by him and his wife pending finding your family.  Fast forward. You have been raised as a beloved daughter with younger sisters and at 21 years of age you learn that you are not who you think you are and the “parents” have no answers. They can offer nothing more than the little white suitcase you had at the shipping dock. You are confused and have no real sense of belonging. 

The mystery of her mother, etc.does get solved but by her granddaughter who also finds her own path in the process.  

The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh

This is by far one of my favorite books read in the last year. Every character brought something of value to the story even the ending seemed appropriate for that time in life of the main character.

Imagine 32 foster homes by the age of ten, your case worker and others think that you are mentally impaired when in actuality no one made an effort to ask a question in the classroom or make an inquiry beyond being terse, no friends, and even the adoption that you thought would happen didn’t and your decision to create a resolve that might bring about the adoption certainly did not go as planned. 

When she aged out of foster care, she literally lived on her own in a park, among the nature she adored and found sanctuary. She learned about and found great solace in flowers, their meanings which was used to build a life as a much favored florist but did not necessarily bring her happiness. 

She found love but since it was a foreign entity to her, she could not accept it, understand it or the passion filled consequences of her actions.  She desperately tried motherhood but thought of herself as a failure or that it just wasn’t meant for her. Only after she gave up what could have been her future did she realize the meaning or importance of what was thought lost to her. 

She seemed to live a life of confusion except when working with or the discussion of flowers and their meanings as she understood them to be. When she learned about other definitions for her beloved flowers, she began to question her judgment. She had an established clientele and received regular referrals.  It seems that her recommendations did have some much desired results for her clients, hence her initial concern.  Alas and as it turns out she had no need for concern after all.

No, this is not a totally depressing book. Please switch your mental gears to allow your heart to listen for more as you come to understand her life choices that were built and developed through traumatic events. These shaped her life and eventually led to being able to reach for “humans” over flowers, to a life that she just might be able to accept and want, plus  equally important,  to the three people who will really, really love her and were just waiting for her to decide when the time was right. 

Gossip is Murder

I keep being reminded of conversations shared with my both of my sons and their comments which matured over time. Being boys and coming from their mother, these “talks” were usually fairly brief, to the point and for personal reasons they are coming to the forefront of my mind now.  The comments about murder in the first two were from a sermon that a dear friend of mine shared that she had heard at her church. I was a teenager at the time so as one would imagine, it made quite an impression on me.  I wish that I could recall the specific Bible scriptures but alas I was not the note taker that I am now when in the 8^th and 9^th grade.

1.       Those who gossip have murderous intentions. While they are trying to promote their cause, make them look better than they are, and are trying to influence the thoughts of another, what they are really doing is killing what is known about the person being maligned.

2.       When people lie or stretch the truth they are guilty of murder or at the least attempted murder.  They are doing their best to destroy the reputation of someone in an effort to build up themselves to others. Their actions can actually draw attention to their jealousy or insecurity or need for power or control.  You don’t build yourself up by tearing someone else down.  By putting a target on someone’s back, are you really trying to redirect attention from your own self-interests, disappointments or failures?

3.       If people are ignorant enough not to look for the facts behind the blah-blah-blah, don’t waste your time trying to convince people of the truth because all they may want is the blah-blah-blah anyway. 

4.       Some people don’t care enough about you to know the truth so walk away.  Blah-blah-blah is just that, blah-blah-blah to the people who know you best and to those who really love you.

My goodness, these were a long time ago but I guess that the truth really is timeless and sadly, the items above continue to have no boundaries for some people.

On the bright side, I did find some scriptures to support some of these meandering reflections. The one that speaks to me is James 3:8 which is true that no man can tame the tongue but ........ my God can.  

Pr 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.  

Pr 26:28 A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin. 

James 3:8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 

Pr 17:4 A wicked doer giveth heed to false lips; and a liar giveth ear to a naughty tongue. 

Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

The interwoven love story that takes the phrase “till death do us part” to a whole new level as it relates to a tradition within a culture that requires the youngest daughter to remain unmarried for the sole purpose of caring for the mother until the mother’s death.  Birth order may have its privileges but as experienced by the characters here it could be a lifetime of regrets, misery, adultery and lost opportunity to marry for love.

Three sisters each controlled by the whims of their mean spirited mother with the truth behind the mother’s driven “drama” only discovered after her death.   The truth does not excuse her actions IN ANY WAY but shows how people do retaliate against others who are directly and indirectly related through no fault of their own. Tita, the main character was hated by her own mother from the moment of birth LITERALLY.  But for the sake of loving cook in the family kitchen who picked Tita up from the kitchen floor Tita would have died. Her life continued to be nurtured in the kitchen by that loving cook

I like Tita, the main character, and felt for her during the entire story. Imagine falling in love but being forbid to marry him, your mother convinces him to marry another daughter and then being made to prepare the marriage feast including the wedding cake.  The effect of the tears that fall into the food has a most unusual effect on the guests, particularly the bride with publicly and privately physically humiliating results. 

Who knew that the tears fallen into a recipe could cause such emotional and sometimes physical reactions by those later in the story who partook the food which included depression and melancholy, suicide, one of the sisters was so overcome that she discarded her clothing while running away from home and literally rode off into the sunset on the back of a horse with a stranger, the entire life of the main character revolves around food. 

Yes, this book includes relationships, what initially appeared to be star-crossed lovers, food and the strange effects it had on people which included life choices, and an ending that one would expect that only a seasoned author could devise.   This is the first book by this author which was produced into a movie with both the book and movie receiving many awards and much recognition.

On a personal note it included recipes with detailed descriptions.